Thursday, January 5, 2012

"I'm sorry that I got fat...

...I will slim down."
                    -Wesley Willis
Well gosh darn it, I am not sorry that I got fat! In fact, in the season of resolutions to slim down I give you, inspired by the Fat Mac himself...


Now a lot of people will have you believe that you can just get fat by looking at a bag of lays potato chips ...(I'm looking at you Richard, you dolphin short wearing, afro rocking card, you.)...
Not so I say. Here are some sure fire ways to expand your waist line and be wearing your favorite sweats to Shake Shack in no time.

1)Eat when you are full, bored or not hungry.

past dale.
Now being Hungarian I was raised to "clean my plate!" Awesome right? Fast forward to now a days where I eat every meal as my last in double time. Cleaning ones plate meant more Nintendo or hitting golf balls with baseball bats at the discount grocery store. Come can do it. If you put that second half of that footlong in the fridge you know as well as I do it is going to look like a science experiment gone horribly wrong in about two weeks when it gets pushed to the back of your fridge by drunken Chinese takeout later tonight. So EAT IT! What else you gonna do? Sit there and suck in your cheeks like Kelly Ripa does?

2)Make every occasion punctuated with food...ya'll.
Next GOP candidate.
Isn't that right Paula? Playing Xbox with the Pals? Pizza time. Shit man why not pizza, cheesy, bread and wings time? Out with the boys at a dive bar? Rudy's has free hot dogs. If not at Rudy's seek out bars with fried appetizers you know "to soak up the booze". Throwing a party? Finger foods means foods that would be served in the fried child's buffet at a bar mitzvah. Mac and cheese, chicken fingers...crudites can go (bleep) themselves.

3) Tartar sauce on french fries.

Don't ask questions.

4) Eat before you go to bed.
gaga does it.
Every time I hear someone be all like "blah blah I don't have dreams. For realzies! I just DON'T! blah blah" I fell sorry that they have never had the splendor of a chicken parm hero induced nightmare. As a matter of fact Sumo wrestlers do just this to bulk up while training. True story. For realzies.

5) Drink your f*cking face off.
example for us all.

"Thanks. I needed that." Beer is best. General rule. Craft beers REALLY pack it on. Stay away from the clear booze unless you want to be like all of those size 4 and down freaks of nature. Brown booze is best. Rums, whiskey, bourbon, anything with lots of sugar, Jager or any type of fake sugary cordial. And when mixing NEVER use the diet soda. It's evil and makes you lose you hair. You can't be fat and bald. To help you in your times of "I can't drink AGAIN tonight dude." Put on Animal House, Beer Fest, The Big Lebowski, or Old School. All adhere to the mantra that we all should be following anyway: " Be one with one's pleasures...pleasures meaning your drunk ass face." All will light a fire under you ass that will having you scream "toga!" or "who wants to shotgun?!?" Or just watch any of Robert Pattinson's movies...they'll ALL make you want to drink. Remember that really crappy one he did that ended with the 9/11 thing? I was ACTUALLY drinking in that movie and couldn't take it. But I digress...)

Did you see her on West Wing? Awesome.
I will not explain.

As always I love you. If you didn't dig the entry then  roll it up and smoke it with Mary-Louise Parker.


  1. In the words of Bluto, "Thanks, I needed that."

  2. remember the episode of the cosby show entitled "cliff's nightmare" in which cliff ate a sandwich at 3 AM that caused him to have a dream where claire was sucked out of the house by a tornado, all the doctors in the hospital were played by muppets and vanessa disgraced the family by becoming a jazz-funk performer (totally believable, btw, considering vanessa was always the family disgrace)? i would eat a meatball hoagie EVERY DAMN NIGHT if i could have that dream.

    p.s. good stuff, DTK, keep up the good work.