Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Ape-Ocalypse Now

So I had the privilege of flying home red eye status to NYC last night to this morning. I flew Jet Blue which is always good because they have TVs in the back of the seats in front of you.(Regardless of the fact that 75% of the shit on the TV was Reality TV. Ug, #WeAreGettingDumber. I'll take Storage Wars over the Kardashians any day. Yuuuup.) So needless to say I passed on the free TV.
What I did watch was this:
(Now I realize I am a little late to the Ape Party but) HOLY SHITBALLS PEOPLE!
Have you seen this movie? First of all I love the Ape movies. I'll cancel plans if there is a marathon on any crappy local cable provider, commercials and all. But this, this one, was sweet. Super sweet.
It's a litte late to do a full on review considering this film came out in August but what it did make me think of was:
Now pop culture, George Romero, Robert Kirkland and Yves Saint Laurent have secretly been preparing us for a world when Zombies walk the earth...But WTF do we do when this shit goes down? Well, as always, I am glad you asked. Here is your APE-OCALYPSE survival guide:

5) ASL Sign Language book
Get yours on Amazon now!
Now I know by the end of the film and in the older Ape movies they Apes are full on talking. But to pre-suppose that it will go down the way it did in Rise your hand had better know how to buy a vowel Alex. Flipping Caeser the finger will only get you so far I'm afraid. Brush up you ASL, start studying it now...

4) Cookies
The future dollar.
Yo son. You do me, I cookie you. In the Ape led future cash money will only be used to start fires and torches. (Sorry, Nelly and 50.) In the Ape movie Ceaser rewards/bribes his tribe with cookies thus gaining their trust and allegiance. The cookie will be the staple of all commerce. Thus Bakers being the new gatekeepers and mint. How good are your cookies? Hmmmmm? Hmmmmm?

3) Gas Mask- S10 Mask with 40mm screw thread
No, not to smoke out of, Bro.

I recommend this guy. It has a shelf life of 20 years if properly cared for and the NATO filters, so long as the vacuum seal is intact, have a shelf life of 10 years. Now Dale, how do you know Jack or Shit about gas masks? The internet. Duh.
It will protect you from any extra ALZ-113 those damn dirty apes have gotten their hands on and the common cold. Nice.

2) Build A Bear Pet Monkey
Winner of Iowa Caucus.
What! You say! Trust me. I know these Apes are smart but wiggle this little guy when they are bearing down on you with a fence post or a piece of a Chevelle and they HAVE to stop. It's like cat nip for Apes.
1-Show. 2-Stop incoming attack. 3-Throw and divert attention. 4-Run.

1) James Franco
No brainer and the easy number 1. Ceaser's sweet heart and Dad. Even though he is kinda crappy at rock climbing and all, he's a definite accessory. Plus the dude is probably holding, which is, like

Well Kiddies I am jet lagged as hell. I love you. Ooh ee ooh aah aah.

1 comment:

  1. Thank god my Chocolate chip cookies are freakin' amazing! I'll send you some.