Prick's Best Bars...

...I have a special place in my heart for Boozehounds. I just do. Where as most people will shy away from the maniac at the end of the bar with the "let's blackout together" twinkle in his eye, I introduce myself and bend an elbow with the fella.
Most of my influences in comedy, acting and writing are total Boozers and have olympic caliber livers. Bukowski & Belushi are easy examples. Peter O'Toole, Richard Burton, and Richard Harris have a combined 17 Oscar nominations and ALMOST drank Britain dry. One of my secret theories is that drugs were invented so people could drink longer. And I am pretty sure that the coolest fashion item of all time, the fez had to be invented while a little tipsy...

Gimme shots. Me first.

So in celebration of Alcohol and my soon to be departure from NYC I give you....
PRICK'S BEST NYC BARS. (in no specific order)

Rudy's Bar and Grill- (Hell's Kitchen)

Dude. Bro. Rudy's Bro. 7 dollar pitchers. Free Hotdogs. Duct tape covered booths and seats. Need I say more? I will. In the day of the Times Square Theme Park expansion plan it is hard to walk on even 8th avenue these days. As Mickey Mouse and TKTS flex their muscles they are pushing the tourist North, South, East, and West specifically. AND YET...Rudy's remain's true to the dive bar mantra. "Get drunk lest ye be to drunk to drink...then the next one is on us." Sure it's packed on the weekends and evenings but if you want a great cheap bar that smells like hot dog water and whiskey then Rudy's is your place. May you know the joy of high five-ing a pig statue at 4pm on a Tuesday.

Doyle's Corner- (Astoria Queens)
4202 Broadway, Astoria, NY

My favorite bar of all time, ever. No frills but nice. "How did they get this perfect replica of an Irish Bar in Astoria?" Leprechaun magic, duh. During the daytime you had better be a local or a hard ass. At night Brendan and Paul will be your guides down the rivers of Powers and Jameson that run through this place and straight to full on face plant town... They'll remember your name. They'll shake your hand and direct you to the girl at the end of the bar singing Meatloaf without abandon. Doyle's Corner doesn't even have a web site. But when you are this bad ass, you really don't need one.

Sunswick- (Astoria/LIC)

You a beer nerd? Like almost annoying? Can you name more than 3 times of hops? Well then come Sir or Madam, come on down to the 'Swick. Somewhere along the way Astoria grew a hipster culture. I blame some guy in a basement with Deerhunter blasting over flannel clad test tubes but I digress... 25 awesome beers on tap. A bad ass bartending crew. And a menu that is the perfect match of pretense and bar food. Go. Lose a Sunday in Queens. I dare you.

Pony Bar- Hell's Kitchen

From the booze soaked minds that opened Lansdowne Road comes this great American Craft Beer Bar. All of their beers are 5 dollars and unless you are trying to kill yourself with a beer that has an ABV of 8% or above (roughly) they come in 16oz pours. The kind of bar where they remember your face but don't bother you with the chit chat. The food is crazy good with hardly a misstep on the entire menu. Their griddle sausages are the food that hungarian dudes from Cleveland dream of. As if they needed it -their happy hour runs from 4:20 to 5:20 everyday. It gets a bit crowded but fuck it, the place is great. And if you are into celeb siting, well let all your gossipy sketch comedian spotting stories begin with "SO I WAS ALL LAAHKE at PONEEE BAHR..."


There are many great bars in NYC. Tons actually but these are the big four for me. Stumble away my friends. May the drunk be with you...
Prick.

Oscars...

Tonight is the night. And instead of boring you with predictions I present to you OTHER famous Oscars.

"The Artist can suck it."

"Lying is the most fun a girl can have with her clothes on. And by girl I mean boy. I mean girl."

"Just wait you little shits. When you're 30, I'll be your hero."

Legend.

"And the Perfect Storm Trophy goes to..."

I always have a hard time watching award shows. Mainly because if I want a circus I want tigers and elephants and shit. Not fierce dresses and crappy interviews.
But I will say this. Making movies is no joke. And unfortunately anyone with the money to see a movie feels like they are entitled to an opinion of the movie. But from being the nugget of an idea to actually playing on the big screen is a GIGUNDO feat.
The amount of people 's hands that are on the film before it gets to our eager eyes is incredible. Really talented folks as well. But if the director doesn't feel the script and doesn't get the right shots the editor doesn't have enough to cut together to tell the story (if there is a story from the script in the first place.). Then you have the placement of production friends in the cast and on the crew side( The most infamous: Sophia Coppola in Godfather 3. But I will say I just watched Somewhere. Holy shit that gal can direct her way around a movie...)  And ALL THIS can flow beautifully but if the actor on any given day doesn't log a good performance or is pissed because there was tomato on his tuna sandwich then the whole thing is fucked. Now add the meat and potatoes of sound and lighting and locations...
I guess I'm saying that perhaps this is the "magic" of film that gives us goosebumps when it really works. When all of these things work in tandem and support each other...well, we get Elliot flying across the moon. Or Redford hitting it deep and running in the sparks of the stadium lights.
Enjoy your Oscars my friends. I will be backstage supporting the uber talented cast of THE LADY OF DUBUQUE. 
Prick.

You need a Role Model...

...No really you do.
In the fast finger moving "my humorous musings are a cell phone "send" away from being all up in your tweet and social network of choice" we have no filter.
We have no one to hold us accountable for our own bullshit logic.
And I am no different. Out of boredom today I tweeted "Help me Obi Uno Kenobi you are my only hope..." Not bad buuuut in any coffee or natural light driven conversation of my past that awful joke would have been jeered at, totally ridiculed and either dropped or continually beat upon them with such vengeance that they would have had to relent and laugh. We can't do this over the internet.
And here's where you say:
"Great job Prick. Way to point out how 1999 was BETTER yet AGAIN...What's your solution?"
I'm glad you asked.
The next time you decide to tweet your dinner offering( Unless you are my brilliant Friend in the Desert JULES. Read her. Love her. http://whitelightsonwednesday.blogspot.com/ 
then you ALWAYS get a food pass. Duh. P.S. love you Jules.) or your musings on ANYTHING run your big idea through the filter of :
ENDEARING PRICK'S THIS AND THAT
Yes Children, before shit was "fierce" stuff was "cool". My Yves Saint Laurent was a man named Chuck Taylor. My faux hawk was an actual mohawk.

Take a guess.

pick it up.

 I wasn't listening to a remix of a song that originally sucked in the first place...I had a copy of a copy of a copy of the demo that was recorded in some dudes basement. I would argue that our brains have been Zombified into not seeking "Braaaains" but "Thaaaangs". The only label that used to matter was Fat Wreck Chords and Def Jam.

heroes.

"fierce"

Before Selena there was SKA. While there was IMUS we were given PRIMUS. 

And now you say:

"But I don't get it Prick? What's it all mean. Sure in your mind your one opinion is "better" than the other but WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?"

I'm glad you asked. 

What it means is that culturally we are creating "this" and not "that".

"this"...garbage.

"that"...strangely beautiful.

By watching Whitney Houston's funeral or the SuperBowl instead of something that we are ACTUALLY interested in. (Nonpluss your feathers and think about it now. How bad did you need to post that Whitney Houston Facebook post? Or cheer the Giants or Pats on when you could have given two shits about them five weeks earlier... Think of a band or book that you read just FIVE years ago that you were bananas about and THAT was what you could have been "sharing".)

Because babies: what you Love I may not have heard of. (Believe it or not I'll admit that. The Elitist Prick that I am I admit that there may be...ah, it hurts...actual great stuff culturally that I don't know about...But what we are fed everyday by our "impartial" media we all share whether we like it or not...or do we?

If Facebook and Twitter and Tumbler are the three networks that rule us all let's use them to a better good...don't rehash tag some bullshit in your own words. Dig down and share a personal taste. Not a take on something we are all seeing anyway. I'll leave you with this...

I love you Darlings. Don't feed the Man. Tell him to listen to NOFX and take notes.

Prick.

Tired? I don't think so Prick...

So as I have lamented in previous blogs I am a full time hammer swinging, heavy load moving (out of the gutters boys...and gals), lift operating, scenic carpenter. This job makes you sleepy. Makes you want to fall into the arms of a Bukowski type binge as well...but we digress...
Last night I was trying to sleep and ZODIAC came on. First off David Fincher could poo on a reel of film and I would go see it and sing it's praises. Regardless, Zodiac is good. It is one of his more under the radar films and also, a kind of slow burn that kept my blood shot scenic carpentry eyes riveted.
This motivated me to bring you:

MOVIES THAT F*CK YOUR SHIT UP BECAUSE YOU FIND THEM ON WHEN YOU SHOULD BE SLEEPING BUT THEN YOU HAVE TO WATCH...MOVIES.


1. ZODIAC

I already said it so it is an easy #1. We get post meltdown pre-Iron Man Downey Jr.
We also get Jake Gyllenhaal before he hit and quick Taylor Swift (Dear Jake, you have to stick around an train a young lady dude... you can't just break up with her. Not America's sweeheart...jerk hole. She sings about "Love" man.  Capital "L". I mean you expect her to be a cat in the sack right away...Sorry, not gonna happen...thanks for reading Jake. ) which is good because he is good. We also get Elias Koteas, one of the most underrated and inconspicuous character actors around...all wrapped in the over exposed goodness of a Fincher Murder Story. It kept me up...in a good way.


2. Notting Hill

Nothing more will be said about this. That is all. Except: "I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her." Oh, shit. Alright...


3. Shawshank Redemption

Holy shit and hallelujah. The Grand Daddy of them all. Logging in at 142 minutes this baby turns a midnight channel flip into a 2am Pink Dot delivery reeeeeal quick. (disregard this last statement if you live in New York. We can simply walk across our streets and get anything we want. Cheers.) Andy Dufresne, you my only friend...Well, you and Ellis Boy "Red" Redding.


4. Godfather 2

Now I know. By this point you're all like "Wrah Wrah you only like slow movies, Wrah Wrah...". Dude, It's f*cking Godfather 2.
"I knew it was you, Fredo. You broke my heart. You broke my heart!" 
Eveything you need to know bout being a European immigrant (or three generations removed from one) you can learn from Marlon Brado & Al Pacino. Move to New York. Capitalism sucks. Kill the family members you hate that betray you. Your Dad had a cat...doesn't mean you have to have one. Avoid toll booths.


5. The Royal Tenenbaums

This movie either evokes sighs of love or judgement. I LOVE this goddamn movie. Wes Anderson's balanced shots are about the only balance in my life. Gwyneth Paltrow in this movie is only ever bested in cinematic cuteness by a Wedding Singer Drew Barrymore. Wilson Bros incorporated...but more importantly, Gene Hackman. Let me just type that again. Gene Hackman. I can quote most every line and do often.
Me: Please consolidate these Subway cards Maam...
MTA Worker: (grumble)
Me: Please stop belittling me...you never gave me the time of day until I started getting good reviews.
MTA Worker: You got $7.50 left.
Now, there are movies as an actor/filmmaker that you watch and get frustrated by because YOU could have made them that good. Then there are those that are the perfect storm of talent and personal taste....that you can't turn off. I have given you 5.

I love you. Goodnight. Prick

Living in New York in a Job Kids...

...I make no excuses to myself for not blogging more except WRITING CLASS is hard work.
Writing Class has also lit a considerable fire under you know who's ass to blog again....now that he has time blog.
My class would meet approx every three days and I was all like "Yeah that'll be easy writing a brand new, edited sketch that is good enough for presentation and also blogging about my weekly shellacking in class afterwards. Brilliant!"
Not brilliant.
Beat-me-up-ant. See. I'm exhausted. That joke sucked.
Point is.
If you live in New York or LA or London and you are not currently in a creative class of somekind (and a million friends told me this a million times but my ego driven ass thought it would be a waste) GET IN A CLASS.
I have produced more quality sketches in the past 4 weeks since I saw the movie Mallrats. A while folks.
The master notes that I took away from the class apply to all the arts.
You think Belushi was different than Baryishnikov? Well, he was but one thing is certain :All art benefits from a second, third, and forth look and laser like specificity.
In the words of my sage like Teacher: "Writing 'Drugs' is good. But 'Home Grown Blue Cyrstal Meth' is better." See? Specifics...
Also simultaneously with that I have begun working the 9-6pm life of a scenic carpenter. Check this shit out:

Yeah. That's called a Load In. ( Out of the gutters Dudes) Normally these babies last 2 weeks and will kick your ass. But moving scenery around and possessing enough carpentry skills not to shit the bed on a daily basis is a little harder than reminding your patrons to rewind. (Blockbuster reference, people.)

And NOW!!!!
THE LIST OF SHIT THAT WILL GET YOU THROUGH A DAY JOB OF MANUAL LABOR AND BEING IN A SNL SKIT WRITING CLASS IN NEW YORK CITY...
(See? Specifics.)


1: Angry Boys.

The Goodness.

On HBO. Just knowing that I had Chris Lilly's latest episodic opus waiting for me in a DVR cue when I got home was motivation enough to hold that 300 pound platform up in the air with 6 other dudes while electricians talked shit. If you don't watch? I will treat you the same way I treat every person that pays money for "Man on a Ledge." Strong looks. Strong.

2: The WWE and The Fact that the ROYAL RUMBLE is around the corner.

Speaker of the Houses.

Yes, the ROYAL RUMBLE is this Sunday. The Second Pay Per View on the all important list of the Four High Holy Days of Wrestling. As a wise man once said "There is nothing finer than two men squaring off in the squared circle." Well,  how about 30 men in an over the top rope match to decide who goes to WrestleMania in the Main Event? Six to One, Half Dozen to the THE ROYAL RUMBLE IS THIS SUNDAY AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!

3: Red Bull.

A bull by any other name...

They could tell me that they put ground up Unicorns that were in line to be rode by a dying child as a last wish in this shit and I would drink two. Mixing a can of this with equal amounts of OJ in the morning will get you closer to the feeling of when you used to take Xenadrine in College (when it still had Ephedra in it...sigh) to stay awake, lose weight, or just, you know, tweek a bit, than anything legal will.

4: www.toplessrobot.com

Robot. Robot Boobs.

The dudes over at Topless Robot do the nerd filtering for me. So when I need a good dose of what is all good in Frodo's Crib or the Android's Dungeon...I let the sage like advice of Rob Bricken flow over me like a Jack and Coke. I mean, Jack and Diet Coke. What? I like the taste.

5: The Suicide Machines : Definition by Destruction

Some people pray for strength. Imagine that...

Top to bottom a fine, fine album. You know what helps waking up on the 4th day of a week that has kicked your soft writing ass into pain town? Nothing. But you know what will make you pick em up and put em down till Friday? See the answer above.

I love you. If you need me I'll be in a salt bath trying to skank.
Prick.

Heroes.

heroes plural of he·ro (Noun)

Noun:

A person, typically a man, who is constantly reminding people that life is a joke. That authority is a mind set. That there is more romance in a crushed beer can than a rose. That everything, even the institution of marriage and religion has been set up by people we don't even know that were frightened old men that and unliked in their own time.  I give you. The people that inspire Endearing Prick.  That is All. Happy Saturday. I should be doing homework. CM Punk. straight edge. hard core. Brodie Bruce. every funny I have ever made is inspired by...

Bill Murray.
once ran down a NYC street screaming about giant lobsters. that is why Dane Cook sucks.

Charlie Kelly.
example.

Ric Flair.
4 wives. 16 World Championships. Easy Math.

Louis CK (God.)
Our world through his eyes is how it is. Deny it? Meh. Good for you.

Charles Bukowski.
"The nine-to-five- is one of the greatest atrocities sprung upon mankind."

Prick.

President Obama...

solid.

...may be under quite a bit of fire lately. But come on. I mean really. This is f*cking awesome.
rock,
prick