Holy shit and hallelujah...Master Luke.

Now while I am playing the part of Scrooge McDuck with my toppins and tenpennies preparing for my journey to the west coast I can hardly keep myself from shooting first and pulling the trigger on this wonder of modern man.. I mean...

Dear great God..

There have been great achievements in nerdery (The Guild,  Topless Robot, Han Solo and R2D2 shaped ice cubes, no overdraft fee checkings) and there have been great ACHIEVEMENTS IN NERDERY!!!


Now while the whispers in the sand dunes of Tantooine have been of Han Solo dancing to...

...I have never been so conflicted about anything in my life.
Well maybe that time the devil was like "You won't make in the entertainment industry until your 30s but you will find a great bar called Doyles Corner."
Needless to say I said "Yes" then and I will say "Yes" now. Looks like the the will power is lacking but the mother f*cking force is gonna be wicked strong with this one.
Prick.

Alec Baldwin gets engaged.

Dumbo love.

So this happened. Alec Baldwin is to marry and elephant statue. I kid. The 54 year old actor is getting hitched though. And while the headline should be enough...wait there's more. The lucky lady is a 28 year old yoga instructor. While I doubt they share a common yogi I'm sure they plenty to talk about. 

Bride to be.

Not bride to be.

Right? Riiight. The last time I saw Alec Baldwain was in the Lincoln Center lobby and the man looked as if he hit a sharp corner he would burst...and no he wasn't carrying a yoga mat in his Jansport.

If my memory serves me correctly wasn't this the guy that was lamenting about not being taken seriously about his career? Which I get, but falling into every old rich dude stereotype post lamentation doesn't help your case for "no, no, these still waters run deep."

Congratulations Alec Baldwin. And Happy Birthday. You've officially won in the life category. You pursed your lips and dipped your chin enough times to rob the cradle blind. 

Prick.

Songs about New York City.

New York City. Many have come and dreamed. More importantly many have come and sung your praises. You offer crazy rent and high cost of living but your streets in turn offer the occasional crazy bum and inspiration...maybe.
Now while I am a self professed LA man. NYC is still the bee's knees.
For our purposes you can keep your Jay Z. He won't be on Prick's list. This list. Sinatra? No way Bro. So now I give you (I see you shiver with....antici...pation.)...

PRICK'S BEST NYC JAM NOTES!

Ah, They Might Be Giants. You guided me through the dangerous waters of high school with your freak flag at my helm. Sentiment and accordions playing you taught me that the bros in the Polo Army were wrong and that Intelligence and Pop Culture knowledge were more important than white hats and khakis. So naturally, your holiday bell laden NYC tribute goes first. And even thought TMBG said they'd "sink manhattan" they also sung "everyone's your friend in NYC". For the birdhouse in all of our souls.

Joey Ramone. I have bent an elbow to your voice at Rudy's more than any other. New York City and the Ramones go together like the Upper West side, double wide strollers and Lululemon. (shudder) Any way, before he joined the rest of the Rock Gods in the great beyond Joey wrote this simple tribute to New York. This is a crap youtube clip sound wise but it does the job.

Andrew W.K. a lot of people give this dude shit. But even if he was a collaborated planned musical creation thrust upon us by a group of music industry evil geniuses I still think he rocks. As Brodie Bruce says, "Judge not lest ye be judged." or was it "touch not lest ye be touched"? Here is a song written by "someone" but performed by Andrew W.K. Party Hard. Party Hard.

                                      


Eddie and the Cruisers. (John Cafferty and the Beaver Brown Band) Holy shit dude. This is a text book for how every dude in the eighties remembers himself. And there is a dude playing saxophone by a mountain brook at the 1:36 mark. Even though you and Tom Berenger took yourselves seriously then; I thank you now Eddie. With all my mulleted heart.

Josh Rouse. Known for his raspy musings on everything from waitresses to Barcelona. I love this guy. You can't blast the Suicide Machines 100% percent of the time. I know. I know. 99% of the time though totally. This song is for the 1% of the sad bastard in us all. I scoured the internet for Josh himself playing this song but all I found was it being sung by this adorable chick in Oxford. It's really nice. That's all I got. Just listen and think about your high school sweetheart...See, told you it was nice.

Lou Reed. You got it. Song about transvestites coming to New York for prostitution? Here you go. Thanks, Lou. We miss your New York Man. You can still find in dark corners downtown, but Times Square's lights are shining bigger than ever baby. Thanks for reminding us...

LCD Soundsystem fucking nailed it here. This is a gorgeous swan song to my existence here in NYC. This song is the basis and period to every booze fueled inarticulate cigarette stoop conversation I have had about why I am leaving. It's a sad thing to know that the Taxi Driver NYC, hell even the Andrew Lloyd Weber driven Broadway, is gone. Every lyric in this song is specific and spot on. But these...


"In the neighborhood bars
I'd once dreamt I would drink

New York, I Love You
But you're freaking me out

There's a ton of the twist
But we're fresh out of shout

Like a death in the hall
That you hear through your wall"

...nail it. Here is Kermit. Keeping it real.

I love you New York. And your songs. But I think it's time we start to see other cities.
Prick.

Prick's Best Bars...

...I have a special place in my heart for Boozehounds. I just do. Where as most people will shy away from the maniac at the end of the bar with the "let's blackout together" twinkle in his eye, I introduce myself and bend an elbow with the fella.
Most of my influences in comedy, acting and writing are total Boozers and have olympic caliber livers. Bukowski & Belushi are easy examples. Peter O'Toole, Richard Burton, and Richard Harris have a combined 17 Oscar nominations and ALMOST drank Britain dry. One of my secret theories is that drugs were invented so people could drink longer. And I am pretty sure that the coolest fashion item of all time, the fez had to be invented while a little tipsy...

Gimme shots. Me first.

So in celebration of Alcohol and my soon to be departure from NYC I give you....
PRICK'S BEST NYC BARS. (in no specific order)

Rudy's Bar and Grill- (Hell's Kitchen)

Dude. Bro. Rudy's Bro. 7 dollar pitchers. Free Hotdogs. Duct tape covered booths and seats. Need I say more? I will. In the day of the Times Square Theme Park expansion plan it is hard to walk on even 8th avenue these days. As Mickey Mouse and TKTS flex their muscles they are pushing the tourist North, South, East, and West specifically. AND YET...Rudy's remain's true to the dive bar mantra. "Get drunk lest ye be to drunk to drink...then the next one is on us." Sure it's packed on the weekends and evenings but if you want a great cheap bar that smells like hot dog water and whiskey then Rudy's is your place. May you know the joy of high five-ing a pig statue at 4pm on a Tuesday.

Doyle's Corner- (Astoria Queens)
4202 Broadway, Astoria, NY

My favorite bar of all time, ever. No frills but nice. "How did they get this perfect replica of an Irish Bar in Astoria?" Leprechaun magic, duh. During the daytime you had better be a local or a hard ass. At night Brendan and Paul will be your guides down the rivers of Powers and Jameson that run through this place and straight to full on face plant town... They'll remember your name. They'll shake your hand and direct you to the girl at the end of the bar singing Meatloaf without abandon. Doyle's Corner doesn't even have a web site. But when you are this bad ass, you really don't need one.

Sunswick- (Astoria/LIC)

You a beer nerd? Like almost annoying? Can you name more than 3 times of hops? Well then come Sir or Madam, come on down to the 'Swick. Somewhere along the way Astoria grew a hipster culture. I blame some guy in a basement with Deerhunter blasting over flannel clad test tubes but I digress... 25 awesome beers on tap. A bad ass bartending crew. And a menu that is the perfect match of pretense and bar food. Go. Lose a Sunday in Queens. I dare you.

Pony Bar- Hell's Kitchen

From the booze soaked minds that opened Lansdowne Road comes this great American Craft Beer Bar. All of their beers are 5 dollars and unless you are trying to kill yourself with a beer that has an ABV of 8% or above (roughly) they come in 16oz pours. The kind of bar where they remember your face but don't bother you with the chit chat. The food is crazy good with hardly a misstep on the entire menu. Their griddle sausages are the food that hungarian dudes from Cleveland dream of. As if they needed it -their happy hour runs from 4:20 to 5:20 everyday. It gets a bit crowded but fuck it, the place is great. And if you are into celeb siting, well let all your gossipy sketch comedian spotting stories begin with "SO I WAS ALL LAAHKE at PONEEE BAHR..."


There are many great bars in NYC. Tons actually but these are the big four for me. Stumble away my friends. May the drunk be with you...
Prick.

Oscars...

Tonight is the night. And instead of boring you with predictions I present to you OTHER famous Oscars.

"The Artist can suck it."

"Lying is the most fun a girl can have with her clothes on. And by girl I mean boy. I mean girl."

"Just wait you little shits. When you're 30, I'll be your hero."

Legend.

"And the Perfect Storm Trophy goes to..."

I always have a hard time watching award shows. Mainly because if I want a circus I want tigers and elephants and shit. Not fierce dresses and crappy interviews.
But I will say this. Making movies is no joke. And unfortunately anyone with the money to see a movie feels like they are entitled to an opinion of the movie. But from being the nugget of an idea to actually playing on the big screen is a GIGUNDO feat.
The amount of people 's hands that are on the film before it gets to our eager eyes is incredible. Really talented folks as well. But if the director doesn't feel the script and doesn't get the right shots the editor doesn't have enough to cut together to tell the story (if there is a story from the script in the first place.). Then you have the placement of production friends in the cast and on the crew side( The most infamous: Sophia Coppola in Godfather 3. But I will say I just watched Somewhere. Holy shit that gal can direct her way around a movie...)  And ALL THIS can flow beautifully but if the actor on any given day doesn't log a good performance or is pissed because there was tomato on his tuna sandwich then the whole thing is fucked. Now add the meat and potatoes of sound and lighting and locations...
I guess I'm saying that perhaps this is the "magic" of film that gives us goosebumps when it really works. When all of these things work in tandem and support each other...well, we get Elliot flying across the moon. Or Redford hitting it deep and running in the sparks of the stadium lights.
Enjoy your Oscars my friends. I will be backstage supporting the uber talented cast of THE LADY OF DUBUQUE. 
Prick.

You need a Role Model...

...No really you do.
In the fast finger moving "my humorous musings are a cell phone "send" away from being all up in your tweet and social network of choice" we have no filter.
We have no one to hold us accountable for our own bullshit logic.
And I am no different. Out of boredom today I tweeted "Help me Obi Uno Kenobi you are my only hope..." Not bad buuuut in any coffee or natural light driven conversation of my past that awful joke would have been jeered at, totally ridiculed and either dropped or continually beat upon them with such vengeance that they would have had to relent and laugh. We can't do this over the internet.
And here's where you say:
"Great job Prick. Way to point out how 1999 was BETTER yet AGAIN...What's your solution?"
I'm glad you asked.
The next time you decide to tweet your dinner offering( Unless you are my brilliant Friend in the Desert JULES. Read her. Love her. http://whitelightsonwednesday.blogspot.com/ 
then you ALWAYS get a food pass. Duh. P.S. love you Jules.) or your musings on ANYTHING run your big idea through the filter of :
ENDEARING PRICK'S THIS AND THAT
Yes Children, before shit was "fierce" stuff was "cool". My Yves Saint Laurent was a man named Chuck Taylor. My faux hawk was an actual mohawk.

Take a guess.

pick it up.

 I wasn't listening to a remix of a song that originally sucked in the first place...I had a copy of a copy of a copy of the demo that was recorded in some dudes basement. I would argue that our brains have been Zombified into not seeking "Braaaains" but "Thaaaangs". The only label that used to matter was Fat Wreck Chords and Def Jam.

heroes.

"fierce"

Before Selena there was SKA. While there was IMUS we were given PRIMUS. 

And now you say:

"But I don't get it Prick? What's it all mean. Sure in your mind your one opinion is "better" than the other but WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?"

I'm glad you asked. 

What it means is that culturally we are creating "this" and not "that".

"this"...garbage.

"that"...strangely beautiful.

By watching Whitney Houston's funeral or the SuperBowl instead of something that we are ACTUALLY interested in. (Nonpluss your feathers and think about it now. How bad did you need to post that Whitney Houston Facebook post? Or cheer the Giants or Pats on when you could have given two shits about them five weeks earlier... Think of a band or book that you read just FIVE years ago that you were bananas about and THAT was what you could have been "sharing".)

Because babies: what you Love I may not have heard of. (Believe it or not I'll admit that. The Elitist Prick that I am I admit that there may be...ah, it hurts...actual great stuff culturally that I don't know about...But what we are fed everyday by our "impartial" media we all share whether we like it or not...or do we?

If Facebook and Twitter and Tumbler are the three networks that rule us all let's use them to a better good...don't rehash tag some bullshit in your own words. Dig down and share a personal taste. Not a take on something we are all seeing anyway. I'll leave you with this...

I love you Darlings. Don't feed the Man. Tell him to listen to NOFX and take notes.

Prick.

Tired? I don't think so Prick...

So as I have lamented in previous blogs I am a full time hammer swinging, heavy load moving (out of the gutters boys...and gals), lift operating, scenic carpenter. This job makes you sleepy. Makes you want to fall into the arms of a Bukowski type binge as well...but we digress...
Last night I was trying to sleep and ZODIAC came on. First off David Fincher could poo on a reel of film and I would go see it and sing it's praises. Regardless, Zodiac is good. It is one of his more under the radar films and also, a kind of slow burn that kept my blood shot scenic carpentry eyes riveted.
This motivated me to bring you:

MOVIES THAT F*CK YOUR SHIT UP BECAUSE YOU FIND THEM ON WHEN YOU SHOULD BE SLEEPING BUT THEN YOU HAVE TO WATCH...MOVIES.


1. ZODIAC

I already said it so it is an easy #1. We get post meltdown pre-Iron Man Downey Jr.
We also get Jake Gyllenhaal before he hit and quick Taylor Swift (Dear Jake, you have to stick around an train a young lady dude... you can't just break up with her. Not America's sweeheart...jerk hole. She sings about "Love" man.  Capital "L". I mean you expect her to be a cat in the sack right away...Sorry, not gonna happen...thanks for reading Jake. ) which is good because he is good. We also get Elias Koteas, one of the most underrated and inconspicuous character actors around...all wrapped in the over exposed goodness of a Fincher Murder Story. It kept me up...in a good way.


2. Notting Hill

Nothing more will be said about this. That is all. Except: "I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her." Oh, shit. Alright...


3. Shawshank Redemption

Holy shit and hallelujah. The Grand Daddy of them all. Logging in at 142 minutes this baby turns a midnight channel flip into a 2am Pink Dot delivery reeeeeal quick. (disregard this last statement if you live in New York. We can simply walk across our streets and get anything we want. Cheers.) Andy Dufresne, you my only friend...Well, you and Ellis Boy "Red" Redding.


4. Godfather 2

Now I know. By this point you're all like "Wrah Wrah you only like slow movies, Wrah Wrah...". Dude, It's f*cking Godfather 2.
"I knew it was you, Fredo. You broke my heart. You broke my heart!" 
Eveything you need to know bout being a European immigrant (or three generations removed from one) you can learn from Marlon Brado & Al Pacino. Move to New York. Capitalism sucks. Kill the family members you hate that betray you. Your Dad had a cat...doesn't mean you have to have one. Avoid toll booths.


5. The Royal Tenenbaums

This movie either evokes sighs of love or judgement. I LOVE this goddamn movie. Wes Anderson's balanced shots are about the only balance in my life. Gwyneth Paltrow in this movie is only ever bested in cinematic cuteness by a Wedding Singer Drew Barrymore. Wilson Bros incorporated...but more importantly, Gene Hackman. Let me just type that again. Gene Hackman. I can quote most every line and do often.
Me: Please consolidate these Subway cards Maam...
MTA Worker: (grumble)
Me: Please stop belittling me...you never gave me the time of day until I started getting good reviews.
MTA Worker: You got $7.50 left.
Now, there are movies as an actor/filmmaker that you watch and get frustrated by because YOU could have made them that good. Then there are those that are the perfect storm of talent and personal taste....that you can't turn off. I have given you 5.

I love you. Goodnight. Prick

Living in New York in a Job Kids...

...I make no excuses to myself for not blogging more except WRITING CLASS is hard work.
Writing Class has also lit a considerable fire under you know who's ass to blog again....now that he has time blog.
My class would meet approx every three days and I was all like "Yeah that'll be easy writing a brand new, edited sketch that is good enough for presentation and also blogging about my weekly shellacking in class afterwards. Brilliant!"
Not brilliant.
Beat-me-up-ant. See. I'm exhausted. That joke sucked.
Point is.
If you live in New York or LA or London and you are not currently in a creative class of somekind (and a million friends told me this a million times but my ego driven ass thought it would be a waste) GET IN A CLASS.
I have produced more quality sketches in the past 4 weeks since I saw the movie Mallrats. A while folks.
The master notes that I took away from the class apply to all the arts.
You think Belushi was different than Baryishnikov? Well, he was but one thing is certain :All art benefits from a second, third, and forth look and laser like specificity.
In the words of my sage like Teacher: "Writing 'Drugs' is good. But 'Home Grown Blue Cyrstal Meth' is better." See? Specifics...
Also simultaneously with that I have begun working the 9-6pm life of a scenic carpenter. Check this shit out:

Yeah. That's called a Load In. ( Out of the gutters Dudes) Normally these babies last 2 weeks and will kick your ass. But moving scenery around and possessing enough carpentry skills not to shit the bed on a daily basis is a little harder than reminding your patrons to rewind. (Blockbuster reference, people.)

And NOW!!!!
THE LIST OF SHIT THAT WILL GET YOU THROUGH A DAY JOB OF MANUAL LABOR AND BEING IN A SNL SKIT WRITING CLASS IN NEW YORK CITY...
(See? Specifics.)


1: Angry Boys.

The Goodness.

On HBO. Just knowing that I had Chris Lilly's latest episodic opus waiting for me in a DVR cue when I got home was motivation enough to hold that 300 pound platform up in the air with 6 other dudes while electricians talked shit. If you don't watch? I will treat you the same way I treat every person that pays money for "Man on a Ledge." Strong looks. Strong.

2: The WWE and The Fact that the ROYAL RUMBLE is around the corner.

Speaker of the Houses.

Yes, the ROYAL RUMBLE is this Sunday. The Second Pay Per View on the all important list of the Four High Holy Days of Wrestling. As a wise man once said "There is nothing finer than two men squaring off in the squared circle." Well,  how about 30 men in an over the top rope match to decide who goes to WrestleMania in the Main Event? Six to One, Half Dozen to the THE ROYAL RUMBLE IS THIS SUNDAY AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!

3: Red Bull.

A bull by any other name...

They could tell me that they put ground up Unicorns that were in line to be rode by a dying child as a last wish in this shit and I would drink two. Mixing a can of this with equal amounts of OJ in the morning will get you closer to the feeling of when you used to take Xenadrine in College (when it still had Ephedra in it...sigh) to stay awake, lose weight, or just, you know, tweek a bit, than anything legal will.

4: www.toplessrobot.com

Robot. Robot Boobs.

The dudes over at Topless Robot do the nerd filtering for me. So when I need a good dose of what is all good in Frodo's Crib or the Android's Dungeon...I let the sage like advice of Rob Bricken flow over me like a Jack and Coke. I mean, Jack and Diet Coke. What? I like the taste.

5: The Suicide Machines : Definition by Destruction

Some people pray for strength. Imagine that...

Top to bottom a fine, fine album. You know what helps waking up on the 4th day of a week that has kicked your soft writing ass into pain town? Nothing. But you know what will make you pick em up and put em down till Friday? See the answer above.

I love you. If you need me I'll be in a salt bath trying to skank.
Prick.

Heroes.

heroes plural of he·ro (Noun)

Noun:

A person, typically a man, who is constantly reminding people that life is a joke. That authority is a mind set. That there is more romance in a crushed beer can than a rose. That everything, even the institution of marriage and religion has been set up by people we don't even know that were frightened old men that and unliked in their own time.  I give you. The people that inspire Endearing Prick.  That is All. Happy Saturday. I should be doing homework. CM Punk. straight edge. hard core. Brodie Bruce. every funny I have ever made is inspired by...

Bill Murray.
once ran down a NYC street screaming about giant lobsters. that is why Dane Cook sucks.

Charlie Kelly.
example.

Ric Flair.
4 wives. 16 World Championships. Easy Math.

Louis CK (God.)
Our world through his eyes is how it is. Deny it? Meh. Good for you.

Charles Bukowski.
"The nine-to-five- is one of the greatest atrocities sprung upon mankind."

Prick.

President Obama...

solid.

...may be under quite a bit of fire lately. But come on. I mean really. This is f*cking awesome.
rock,
prick

Writing is hard.

me.

Like anything writing is intensive. Anybody can have "unique ideas". But making them funny...Well, believe it or not it's not just putting the words to paper then patting yourself on the back and having a cocktail while you roll around in your own genius. That is merely the stretch to the sprint.
Good art is something that has been looked at from every angle. Then re worked with the same set of eyes looking at it with a "new" clarity. In theatre complete acts are flipped around. Characters cut. Scenes deleted. In simple drawing you make the blacks darker and the whites lighter in the revision.
In sketch writing you have to heighten everything without breaking it. Also, believe it or not, everything has to make some semblance of sense. Why are these characters here, right now, doing what they are doing? Also is "what" they are doing the best or funniest choice? Would it be funnier if they were somewhere else or in a different setting? Can any negative thing they are doing be made into a funnier positive thing?
The sketch that I brought to class was to be a parody commercial for a new home security product: Hobo Security. I presented our narrator at his home computer watching his Hobo keep his home safe. Once from thugs. Once from pesky trick or treaters. This hobo is great. He works for booze and leftovers....Then I added the caveat. The only thing you have to pay for is hobo wrangler insurance in case he goes bat shit crazy. Then I ended the skit with the Hobo, now naked, coming in to steal the homeowners computer. Not bad.
So how was this skit looked at in a new way. Why is it bad to have your Hobo freak out? Wouldn't you want that if there is a gang coming into your house? Does he have to steal the computer at the end or is it better if he climbs into bed? Why is the homeowner at his computer? Why break our preconceived mold of a "security commercial"? On that note, if you are going to parody something that is as familiar as a security commercial you should use the "norm" of security commercials. Use it! Climb in there and then make a funny.
This is part of the craft I am finding. Looking at something as simple as a security commercial and finding the blaringly obvious funny that has been there all along and point at it. Then insert a hobo.
For our next meeting I am to come up with two premises for "reveals". Example: 2 women are hidden in bathroom stalls. The one women ask the other for TP, then perfume, the a condom. Then the door opens and the women that asked for the things is an 80 year old women. (buh-dum-dum)
Also we have to rewrite one of our parodies. I'll probably go with the security one as my first one was a Head and Shoulders commercial that revealed the secret ingredient in Head and SHoulders was ground up magical elves.
Alright here are the other nuggets of truth that we garnished:
-specify your characters to add context
-when an entire writers room seems to riff the same way on something "harness the universality in the room"
-sometimes in a parody you have to bring people up to speed
-if you are sticking it to somebody a little to hard the funny might go away
-sometimes your idea is "in the right neighborhood but at the wrong address"
-identify your campaign and mission in the product of you parody and from that the funny will come
-sometimes you have to "use the explosion to put out the fire"
-"FOCUSED, DETAILED, SINGULAR"
-entertain all the funnys from the original idea
-specificity will pull out the funny
-"it's sketch comedy, not oil painting comedy. sketch it out."
-if your parody looks or reads to real make sure you use that
-in how FEW words can I write this?
-"laughter is the sound of surprise"

keep it real.

Prick.

Dale takes a Writing Class: Part 1 of 6.

Dale takes a writing class....

I have no opposable thumb dude.

So the location and the teacher of my course will remain anonymous. (Just easier that way) And this baby should be around six entries. But before we delve into class details we are going to do a little exercise to explain why I'm taking a sketch writing class called:

18 year old Dale meets 31 year old Dale!...on a street in NYC.
18: Hey what's up future me? You live here now?
31: Yeah. Yeah.
18: Cool so we did it huh? I thought I'd be at Blockbuster forever.
31: No you didn't.
18: Yeah, you're right. So we famous yet?
31: At this point just working on providing ourselves with primary income through creative outputs instead of letting the day job suck the life out of us...
18: That was a mouthful...
31: You're a mouthful...
18: You're a mouthful...
31: Hey!
18: Sorry. Right on. So what's new?
31: Just started my first writing class since Austin Peay.
18: We get into Austin Peay! Yes!
31: Yeah it's a nice time.
18: Wait did you say first since college?
31: Yeah.
18: That's crappy. What happened there? Writing was always your favorite. and you fucking love The State, Kids in theHall, SCTV, SNL the most! And we live here now. So there's like UCB and PIT and...
31: Look Past Dale can you not give me shit. Point is I'm finally doing it.
18: Fair enough. You heard the newest Less than Jake. It's the best.
31: Yeah. It's good. Look I gotta go.
18: Any sage like advice?
31: There's no such thing as luck. And it's not about ignoring the bad wolf. It's about feeding the good one. Later Past Dale.
18: Right on Future Dale!

Get it? Good. I've always wanted to get into sketch comedy but life, well, you know the rest. Point is, same one I made to my Past Self, is we are finally doing it.

So what did we learn last night? Some super official great stuff.

Super O-Fich-AHL.

I would feel happy paying what I paid for the entire course after just last night. And I actually have homework for the first time in 9 years!
The coolest bit of knowledge that I gathered was the format that SNL writers write in. Which is dope. (The class has a SNL focus.)
In addition to that these were the gems that stood out for me for all you future or current sketch comedians out there:
1: Anything online. No longer than a minute.
2: Differ between a theme or content to a premise
3: LESS IS MORE
4: Consolidate your Premise into one idea
5: Follow the rule of threes
6: Bend the joke, don't break it (don't make the sketch to inaccessible by being to far out there, or too blue)
7: Write the sketches you can produce by yourself tomorrow
8: Find the delivery device
9: Find the right frame for your skit
10: If you are parodying an existing product you have to ask yourself why would this product (i.e. and i phone and apple) be showing this product doing this. If they wouldn't, make up your own product. Exception: funny trumps all.
11: 1-present problem 2-present solution 3-show problem with solution
12: MAKE IT LEAN
13: Create a world around your joke
14: If this, then what?

Because it rocks my asses face right off my ass.

Awesome kids. Keep it real.
I hate to love you.
prick.

"I'm sorry that I got fat...

...I will slim down."
                    -Wesley Willis
Well gosh darn it, I am not sorry that I got fat! In fact, in the season of resolutions to slim down I give you, inspired by the Fat Mac himself...
HOW TO GET FAT IN THE NEW YEAR

hero.

Now a lot of people will have you believe that you can just get fat by looking at a bag of lays potato chips ...(I'm looking at you Richard, you dolphin short wearing, afro rocking card, you.)...
Not so I say. Here are some sure fire ways to expand your waist line and be wearing your favorite sweats to Shake Shack in no time.


1)Eat when you are full, bored or not hungry.

past dale.

Now being Hungarian I was raised to "clean my plate!" Awesome right? Fast forward to now a days where I eat every meal as my last in double time. Cleaning ones plate meant more Nintendo or hitting golf balls with baseball bats at the discount grocery store. Come on...you can do it. If you put that second half of that footlong in the fridge you know as well as I do it is going to look like a science experiment gone horribly wrong in about two weeks when it gets pushed to the back of your fridge by drunken Chinese takeout later tonight. So EAT IT! What else you gonna do? Sit there and suck in your cheeks like Kelly Ripa does?

2)Make every occasion punctuated with food...ya'll.

Next GOP candidate.

Isn't that right Paula? Playing Xbox with the Pals? Pizza time. Shit man why not pizza, cheesy, bread and wings time? Out with the boys at a dive bar? Rudy's has free hot dogs. If not at Rudy's seek out bars with fried appetizers you know "to soak up the booze". Throwing a party? Finger foods means foods that would be served in the fried child's buffet at a bar mitzvah. Mac and cheese, chicken fingers...crudites can go (bleep) themselves.

3) Tartar sauce on french fries.

Don't ask questions.

4) Eat before you go to bed.

gaga does it.

Every time I hear someone be all like "blah blah I don't have dreams. For realzies! I just DON'T! blah blah" I fell sorry that they have never had the splendor of a chicken parm hero induced nightmare. As a matter of fact Sumo wrestlers do just this to bulk up while training. True story. For realzies.

5) Drink your f*cking face off.

example for us all.

"Thanks. I needed that." Beer is best. General rule. Craft beers REALLY pack it on. Stay away from the clear booze unless you want to be like all of those size 4 and down freaks of nature. Brown booze is best. Rums, whiskey, bourbon, anything with lots of sugar, Jager or any type of fake sugary cordial. And when mixing NEVER use the diet soda. It's evil and makes you lose you hair. You can't be fat and bald. To help you in your times of "I can't drink AGAIN tonight dude." Put on Animal House, Beer Fest, The Big Lebowski, or Old School. All adhere to the mantra that we all should be following anyway: " Be one with one's pleasures...pleasures meaning your drunk ass face." All will light a fire under you ass that will having you scream "toga!" or "who wants to shotgun?!?" Or just watch any of Robert Pattinson's movies...they'll ALL make you want to drink. Remember that really crappy one he did that ended with the 9/11 thing? I was ACTUALLY drinking in that movie and couldn't take it. But I digress...)

6)Weed.

Did you see her on West Wing? Awesome.

I will not explain.

As always I love you. If you didn't dig the entry then  roll it up and smoke it with Mary-Louise Parker.
prick.